We'll lay in bags as dead as leaves

ahhhhhhhhh

2006-09-03T20:51:18Z

so this is the last time i will be using this lj...

its now "bravely_wounded" which is what i think im going to keep it as.

just notifying everyone to add me as that

there is no words for grief

2006-08-30T11:52:05Z

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 19...
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...

I am dying

2006-08-29T15:14:40Z

I think im going to die in the next few days. I WISH that i would. Why cant i have a normal existance? normal relationships? Normal love, normal everything?

It always falls apart. Always. Life, love, none of it ever lasts. And i just dont know what to do. i love you, but you're leaving me again. AGAIN. like you always do. You walk out the door, and you dont look back... at least not for a while. Then you think of me, and you come back. And i am always glad to have you there. But i am in so much pain. And you wont even hold me a little while. I dont know anymore. I think im going to throw up.

coalblack @ 2006-08-27T21:51:00

2006-08-28T01:55:28Z

i cant believe what's happened to me today. I CANT. this is the worst day of my life. And i dont know what i am supossed to do. Damn.

this day has been rough as hell. Im going to just have to chill out and try to stop spazzing out. im tired.

carla

I miss you already

2006-07-19T17:13:42Z

Well, Justin leaves for MOS tomrrow. Probably won't get to see him at all for the next 5 weeks. I know it's a lot easier than bootcamp, and easier than him being deployed, but i'm still sad. And i will still miss him. We do everything together, and he's my lifeline... I'm going to be a little bewildered... :(

But this will give me some time to spend with my family and my friends which i have missed greatly so,,, lunch time guys, leaving with these parting lyrics-

"If You're Not The One"

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I'll never know whatthe future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms

Talapia

2006-07-12T22:38:51Z

Mmmm Talapia for dinner! Cooking with my justin... it's realitivly calm here... im waiting for him to leave to go to MOS school in jacksonville for 5 weeks... :( Im gonna be sad, but... i guess i knew i would have to deal with him leaving me a lot when we got together. And we can make it work. Like he told me the other night, we belong together. I'll miss him a lot though. But hey, at least when i get the chance i can come see him on weekends... It's not the hell that bootcamp was. Thankgod.

Okay so dinner time. Yes! Im hungry!

Another night of cooking with the Creeds... hehe :D

marriage

2006-07-05T18:03:53Z

Omg... wow... how long has it been? Too long, maybe. Im thinking of just getting a new lj alltogether... that will amke it my #4 haha... damn, to think that all those memories have been erased when i could have just kept them with me... oh well. Sometimes those things have to happen.

On the note that i wanted to post,

Im getting married!

To my Marine, Justin Creed.

OohRah.

<3

whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

2006-04-28T17:46:10Z

HOLY SHIT

its been a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggggg time since i have done anyhting in this livejournal~

i got a tattoo, bailed someone out of jail, got a D'd a few times, and so much more crazy stuff haas happened to me in the time span of almost one month since i have written in this lj!

and i dont have too much to say here anyhow so im gonna go get a shower (im at chris's! its a longgggggggggg story haha)

peace, fools.

coalblack @ 2006-03-28T20:48:00

2006-03-29T01:49:11Z

Im so happy.

Things are getting better.

Ive got a secret!

:D

how can i be so stupid?

2006-03-14T23:33:52Z

I did it

AGAIN

I got fucked over and its my fault

AGAIN

now i have to mend a broken heart

AGAIN

and cry myself to sleep

AGAIN

and wonder if im ever going to find love

AGAIN

because i know this is only going to happen

AGAIN

Straight to Video

2006-03-14T05:05:27Z

So...

I dont know the real point of this post... just im feeling really alone today, and i shouldnt... but i do. And i want to talk to someone, i want to know whats going on? I feel like an idiot, and i hope i didnt FUCK IT UP AGAIN, like USUAL...

and im listening to this remix on my myspace and its such a sad remix but the song is awesome as fuck...

and im thinking about saturday night.
and im wondering what im going to do.
and im thinking about you.
and im thinking im just a fool and i will always be
a fool.

I never noticed, i never noticed,
you're so amazing
so ahahamazing

and the truth is... i didnt ever NOTICE... but now im seeing it... and im missing you right now

well...

2006-03-13T21:35:51Z

ive gone and done it

AGAIN.

fuck.

Par-tay

2006-03-10T17:04:51Z

fun fun fun

tonite will be

FUN

WOOO WHAT A DAY!

2006-03-09T14:14:52Z

HA!
yesterday had to be one of the best times of my LIFE! My day started by having kelsy's jeep brak down at the gas station accorss from applebees before we could go to the zoo... but we finally got it to work after letting it sit for about half and hour... so then it was the zoo time! there was hardly anyone there... so we acted stupid and took pictures of us climbing all over the statues, and took photos and got stuck on the big ass buffalos head! and we were being mean and just annoying the piss out of the birds in the aviary... Kelsy and I tried to catch a few of them! Kelsy got pictures of me hiding in the exotic plants (something that would have gotten me into trouble haha) We just did stupid shit and goofed off the entire day. It was a great day to go to the zoo all the animals were out, except for africa cause they are doing construction on that big ass pen...
So then it was back to kelsys where we watched Hedvig!? WTF kind of movie? but it was a good movie, sad and strange and crazy. like the usual us. Haha. Then Will calls. his car broke down in raleigh! so we went to get his ass and ended up hauling him everywhere to find a part. But we got to eat wendy's and we had a fun time joking around and being stupid (me him kelsy and his friend matthew)
After that we went home. I called will to make sure he got his monster jeep parts, and we talked about CRAZY shit on the phone for about 2 hours! I didnt know other people had the same thought patterns as me!

I will be getting some photos up ASAP!

woo!

mmmmmmm

2006-03-07T02:30:29Z

Ok so, the "ex" (or am i the ex that is now the non-ex?) has put two and two together. Now comes question time. She doesnt get it.

SHE DONT HAVE SHIT ON ME.

I mean, i am trying to be nice. but shes got to understand... what goes around comes around. And that bitch deserves all the Karma i am feeding her. I hope its a huge slap in the face.

Dont get me wrong. I know it sucks to be "that girl"
but at the same time, maybe she should have realized that:

when you fuck around on someone who is fucking around you are bound to get fucked over.

And that's the truth of the matter.

[ what's funny is i am not even with him... yet ]

grumble

2006-03-06T18:46:08Z

Well
my secret has been blatantly found out.

No more hiding.

fuck.

Good day...

2006-03-06T02:46:48Z

Today was a good day. I spent the whole day with my mom. We just spent time together, and shopped... and just chit-chatted. Its been months since we have done that. yesterday was kind of a diaster/roadtrip. I got to spend... 5 hours in a car with my brother while lost in Coastal Carolina. The reason we were there is an even longer story. but i got to spend time with my brother. And i got him off the computer. Yeah! And even better... i got to annoy the piss out of him with my driving, my music, and overall my general closeness to his proximity. But i sure did miss all that in college. Spring break is looking up! Woo...

but i miss you, body and soul so strong
that it takes my breath away...

come back to me.

oh, look at my music- the old me is BACK...~
*pink floyd*

It's been 2 days

2006-03-04T16:18:04Z

and im ok. Im tired. Im sick. I had the worst alcohol experience of my life. I am finally home though, and i missed being here so i am happy. There's not a lot to say. Maybe going to get a friend with no car today. Hanging out with my brother too. He needs some love :)

haha

shower time.

SPRING!

2006-03-01T21:21:35Z

woooooooo yeahhhhhhh its WARM outside!

*dances*

The best i ever had...

2006-02-28T14:51:06Z

Yesterday was a good day. Im finally figuring out what i want to do and where i want to go. I feel more at ease, calm and a lot more collected than i have been as of late. Im not so stressed and all together lost...
Its a good feeling to have.

Test today. Test tomorrow. Paper thurs. errands. blah... but then its SPRING BREAK!
woo!

making Love in the park...

2006-02-27T04:15:43Z

Finally.
its getting better.
Everything.

Today i saw you. And i got to spend time with you. I got to talk to you and feel you breathe. And everything was so right. And i cant put it into words... but i needed to write this excerpt to know its real and to have something there to look at when i start to forget.
But i dont ever forget.

Missing you... a lot

2006-02-25T21:43:32Z

i have decided on the new pet i am goign to buy... ok, here it comes...

A SNAKE.

yes. a snake. A boa. or a python. im still a little undecided. I really like the red-tail boas... and they are so beautiful. but the ball pythons are just badass.... so hell i dont know. Not like i have the money right now anyway...

Im in a bad situation these days.
Relationship? Im totally confused about what im suppossed to believe etc. Im just about ready to really give up on love.

Thats serious.

There's a grave possiblitiy im going to have to drop out of school. I cant afford it, and im doing what i can for scholarships, and its just not happening.

I have been thinking of moving. Away. to the mountains, or the beach. Somewhere else, where no one knows me. Then i can get an awesome job and come back to college. Or not.

There is still the "hard" girl that wants to get away from all that bullshit though. The girl who wants to join the military. And a lot of you that know me think its bullshit. Im here to tell you it's not. It's a very real, very possible situation. Its better than not knowing about my life and what to do with it.

So, to be cliche... "im stuck between a rock and a hard place" right now.
It fucking blows.

>:(

2006-02-24T06:06:32Z

Rwrrrrr i am furious.
I look hott.
I'm always at my best when something made me mad.
look out world.
here i come.

It's been awhile...

2006-02-23T05:32:06Z

Today was much better. Kelsy and I had some fun today. No dount, we were both still miserable, sobbing wrecks, but we made sure we would have a little fun and of course... watched the Olympics!

I still cried today. Im still confused as hell. But im realizing now that i need to just trust my heart, and trust what I feel, and things will just fall into place. And i have to bank on that... or im fucked.

Drinking alone...

2006-02-22T07:00:21Z

Well...
I'm drunk. Or maybe its the beer and the weight of sadness.
But i know im drunk.
Otherwise...
Well, i wouldnt have gotten so sad and angry at that one line in "devil in the details"

I put the past into the ground
i saw the future as a cloud
if there's still time to turn around
Im going to...
It's just one day i fell asleep
and all day all night i dreamed
I am the first one i decieve
if i can make myself believe...
the rest, is easy...

And there wouldnt be a shattered bottle all over my bathroom floor. because i wouldnt have thrown it.

Its been a long long time since i have been this low.